In case you were unaware, I have a Tumblr about unrequited love and heartbreak. Follow it, yeah?

And if you want to submit something to it, you can do that, too.

I doubt we’d get along outside of the online avenue… you seem amazing at times but there is this hint of something else… too much effort? /shrug. I want to say, “I hope you find what you are looking for” but I don’t think you are there yet.

And the point of sending this message was…?

• I was drunk. The sex began consensually. He was someone I had dated. If that isn’t the ideal situation for victim-blaming, I don’t know what is. If that isn’t a case that would get me laughed out of a police station, I don’t know what is. Where’s my evidence? It’s he said/she said, and you can sure as hell bet that there’d be all kinds of “character witnesses” up there calling me a slut.
• Police don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to dealing with victims of sexual assault or rape cases.
• Everyone deals with trauma in their own way. For some people, they need to forget it ever happened. For others, they need to take action. It’s not up to anyone else to criticize the way that a trauma victim deals with that trauma. And in my case, knowing that I didn’t *have* a case, I would have been even more depressed and humiliated if I’d tried to file charges, only to be told there was nothing they could do, or worse, be blamed for what happened to me.

And when someone says that it’s the victim’s fault if her rapist rapes someone else, because she didn’t report it? THAT’S BULLSHIT. That’s victim-blaming of another kind, because now you’re blaming a victim of rape for another person’s rape. If my rapist rapes someone else, that’s not on ME. That’s on HIM, because he’s the fucking rapist.

*I know I’ve used this photo before, but I found it fitting.

I just came across this post from last November on the Yes Means Yes blog. I think everyone should read it.

What are you waiting for? Go!

This is one time, this is one time
That you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all…or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you’ve built to flee,
The places that you’ve come to fear the most,
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you’re barely scraping by
But you’re barely scraping by…

Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all…or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you’ve built to flee,
The places that you’ve come to fear the most,
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

And you can’t fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you’ve built to flee,
The places that you’ve come to fear the most,
Is the place that you’ve come to fear the most,
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

-”The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most”, Dashboard Confessional

Sometimes, when I see someone from behind that has a bald head, my blood runs cold and my stomach drops. I have to remind myself that it isn’t him. Sometimes, when someone comes up behind me and talks too close to my ear, I feel sick. Sometimes, when I read about sexual assault, I have flashbacks. Sometimes, when I watch sexual violence or something involving someone being restrained in some way on television, I cry.

I just wonder when it will stop. Will it ever stop? When do I get to be normal again? Will I never be normal again? There is nothing as scary as being violated while you are utterly helpless, your body being taken from you by someone when you don’t want it to happen. I found out this morning that he is moving away in two days; his house was taken from him. I’ll never have to see him again. Yet that’s somehow not comforting. Last week, Facebook suggested that I friend him. Seeing his name and face on my computer screen gave me chills. Even when I’m not physically in his presence, I’m somehow still haunted by it. It’s like a web I can’t escape from, no matter how hard I try.

I just want it all to go away and I worry that it never will.

On the one hand, I know that BDSM is consensual and all that stuff. And I’ve expressed the sentiments displayed on these shirts to partners before. However, the idea of wearing them on a t-shirt, unless it’s at some sort of kink event, makes me uncomfortable. If you saw someone walking down the street in one of these shirts, you’d have no context for the phrase on the shirt. And, even as a kinkster, conjure images of abuse much more readily than they do BDSM.

“Don’t worry, it’s supposed to hurt,” is kind of triggering for me as a rape victim. And “I hit girls/boys” just seems like something you really wouldn’t want to advertise, could (and most likely will be) totally be taken the wrong way, and just makes me uncomfortable. However, like I said above, I could see possibly wearing them to some sort of kink function, where you would be around likeminded people that would get the joke.

What do you guys think?

What I found most disturbing was Valenti’s description of purity balls and what a girl’s relationship to her father should be. I knew, of course, what these balls were, but as she explained the function of the father at these balls, and what a father’s role in keeping their daughter “sexually pure” was, I found myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

Purity balls are events at which young women pledge their virginity to their father, who is somehow the keeper of said virginity, until their wedding day, at which point their husband then receives this virginity as a “gift.” Besides the fact that this ridiculous notion makes MEN the “keeper” of women’s sexuality, it also assumes that everyone is heterosexual. Or that everyone wants to get married. These balls are described as “dates” between father and daughter. But the incestuousness doesn’t stop there. As one author noted, “many of the older girls in attendance look ‘disconcertingly like wives’ next to their fathers.”

Even worse, the people that partake in these balls encourage regular “date” nights between father and daughter, in order to “reaffirm” said daughter’s “femininity.” The language used to describe these dates had me retching.

Katie giggles as she waits for her date to come around and open the car door. The pair enters an ice cream shop. She sits down at the table as her date gently pushes in her chair. He takes her hand from across the table and asks, “What flavor would you like tonight, Sugar?” Katie smiles and says, “I’ll have chocolate, Daddy.”

Oh MAN. It sounds like a really bad Literotica story. I just… I can’t. Valenti makes the very good point that “calling daddy/daughter quality time ‘dates’ speaks volumes about how young women are valued in the virginity movement– for their sexuality.” And this quote, from an abstinence-only educator, also made me quite uncomfortable:

“Girls give in to sex not because they want sex– it’s like a hug. If they can get that from their fathers, they won’t need it from a boyfriend.”

If they get WHAT from their fathers?? Sex, or hugs? And why are we equating paternal love with romantic love? STOP WITH THE INCESTUOUS SHIT. Paternal love and affection is all well and good and positive and wonderful. But so is romantic love and affection. However, they’re DIFFERENT kinds of love and affection. And equating the two is just plain creepy, and reinforces the antiquated idea that women’s sexuality belongs to men, and marriage is about passing on a woman as property of her father to property of her husband through marriage. And by making men “keepers” of women’s sexuality, and basically giving them ownership of it, it further serves to keep rape culture alive and well, because the myth that women’s sexuality exists for men, which therefore gives men the right to just take it, is kept alive.

I also found myself asking, “What about girls that don’t have fathers?” This movement assumes that all children come from two-parent, heterosexual-coupled homes, and that’s just not the case.

Other points I enjoyed:

• Her discussion of how the virginity movement pertains (or doesn’t pertain) to women of color, and it is only something that is pushed on white girls as an expectation.
• Her points regarding the notion of virginity as pertaining to women, but not necessarily to men. The focus of the purity movement is on making sure that young women keep themselves “pure” and “virginal,” while men are virtually absent as a target of the movement.
• The point that the virginity movement claims to be about protecting girls’ sexuality, and about NOT focusing on them as sexual beings, but by obsessing over and placing so much emphasis on girls remaining virgins, it does exactly the opposite– it makes a girl’s only value her sexuality.
• Her use of Bill Maher’s quote in response to conservatives’ argument that Gardasil, the shot that protects against HPV, will make girls want to go out and sleep around because they’re “vaccinated:” “It’s like saying if you give a kid a tetanus shot, she’ll want to jab rusty nails in her feet.” Heh.
• This: “…the virginity movement gives young women only two choices of who they can be sexually: sluts or not sluts. While the first choice doesn’t seem attractive, I can guarantee you that most young women are going to go with the option that allows them to have sex.” Damn right.
• I found the discussion of abstinence-only education and the false and misleading information that it distributes to be absolutely horrifying. Like, did you know that birth control can KILL YOU? And abortion causes suicide and anorexia. Yeah, you learn something new every day!
• There was also a great discussion on porn and the porn industry.

As this post is getting long, I’m going to throw it to you guys. What did you think of the book? Thoughts?

You can read Alana’s review here and Sarahbear’s review here.

Because giving her a diamond ring means monogamy? If you want a monogamous relationship, why does it take a ring to make it monogamous? Again, it’s just another example of pop culture and mainstream society imposing the dominant relationship model as the correct and desirable one.

The article is even accompanied by helpful quotes from men about why they like each of these dresses. I’m pretty convinced that they attended a frat party and interviewed all the men in attendance. For instance, Brad is a 20-year-old male that likes a “patriotic” (read: red, white, and blue) dress. He says [sic], “It makes me think ‘Let’s get together and see if we can make some fireworks explode.’” Charming. I know who I’m going to be spending my Fourth of July with!

Other lovely quotes from these men include:

“This dress will make her boobs look amazing.” -— David, 23

Classy. Also, subtle.

“I like the zipper. It makes me want to unzip the dress and see what’s underneath.” — Mario, 22

Of course it does, Mario.

“The design will make her boobs look bigger.” — Adrian, 19

Yes, because bigger is always better.

“The color is fantastic and the cut of the dress really shows off her body.”

Which should always be your goal, ladies. Show off your body. It’s just an added bonus that the color makes your eyes look nice. Not that he’s going to be looking at your eyes, anyway, what with your body looking so smoking and all.

“It gives her that hourglass shape that every guy loves while showing lots of leg. What else could I ask for?” — James, 27

Again, the shape that every GUY loves. AND lots of leg! It’s like a 2-4-1 deal! And of course, what more could HE ask for? Because everything you do and wear is FOR HIM.

“It’s happy and innocent but still sexy. I feel like only really hot girls would wear this dress.” — Chandler, 29

Good to know that you can tell what a girl will look like based on the dress she’s wearing. Apparently this one is an “ugly” girl repellant.

“Anything that makes a girl look like she raided my closet and tried to make something fit — but doesn’t plan on wearing it for long — is good in my book!” — Andy, 33

Of course, Andy had to add in the part about her not wearing it for long. Because HE PREFERS YOU NAKED. SHHH! DON’T TELL. THIS POST IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT DRESSES.

“It’s simple and inviting. I wouldn’t want other guys to see her in it.” —Thom, 29

Well, Thom, isn’t that possessive romantic.

Does anyone else see a theme to these quotes provided by the lovely sampling of men that Cosmo chose to include? I’m not necessarily faulting the men here for being so… shallow, but moreso Cosmo for the message they’re sending by choosing to highlight these reasons for men to like these dresses. It’s about showing off your body so that men can enjoy it. Don’t wear the dress because it makes you feel good. Don’t wear the dress because you think it’s pretty. Wear the dress because that dude will think it makes your tits look great.

It shouldn’t be about dressing for him. It should be about dressing for you, and making yourself feel good, sexy, confident, and comfortable in your clothes. Because when you feel those things, you act like those things, and THAT’S what’s ultimately going to get the attention of the man/woman/person that you see across the bar/grocery store/park.

We need to stop telling women that our main goal in life should be to please TEH MENZ, and instead send the message that our main goal should be to please OURSELVES.

Up next: “20 Shoes That Will Get His Attention” and “What Guys Think of Your Hair and Makeup!” Because I’m sure you’re dying to know (and he actually cares).